CDC on speed dial

Walked in to the "Dwarf Chick-Fil-A" hallway bathroom and spotted something very disconcerting. The hand towel had a mysterious mark on it. A brown smudge. Such an unfortunate word. Almost as off-putting as fecal contaminant. SURELY it wasn't what I thought it was. How could it be? Paper was on the roll. There were even Kan-Doos in the dispenser because sometimes it just feels good to have your hiney smell like mango or cantaloupe. Rather than conduct a field test, I felt it smarter, safer and healthier to go to the kitchen sink, put on the hazmat glove and take the towel to the decontamination chamber/laundry room.

I chose not to investigate because had I asked and gotten the answer I dreaded, I know I would have hit them both. More than once.

Sometimes I just want to scrub myself like Kerr-McGee did Karen Silkwood after her first plutonium exposure.