and so i write things down, or, in the event of empty ambien bottle...
it is obvious to anyone who bothers to darken this door, some months i cannot muster motivation to post up anything at all, e.g may-july this year. yawn. it is not that i don't have fascinating, erudite, life-changing tidbits to impart on you, my devoted throngs of reader(s), because i do, but often i simply don't make the effort. so, much like traffic cops at the end of the month, i am way behind quota, and it does make me cringe to see the calendar roll on w o having put anything here. incidentally, to my one fan in norway, i salute you w my homemade ulfberht. i wish for you many nights of delirious pleasure w untold numbers of beautiful valkyries attending your every need. do not give up on me.
j: mom, i want to be an orphan.never before have the words "percentage of happy orphans" been typed in to google. i am certain of this. we looked up the words ''orphan'' and ''orphanage'', talked about the buckner home for children, read stats and scoured the net for information as if we were looking into college campuses before a visit to the east coast.
re-watching cider house rules the other night, it occurred to me, geesh, those kids had it pretty good. well, if you don't count the ones who wound up in the enamel coated waste pails toby maguire toted out to the incinerator after michael caine performed the D&Cs on young girls/unwilling mothers-to-be. but, this isn't intended as a launching point for a heated pro life v pro abortion debate.
even though mason happened into the library just before bed time as i was getting in to the film, it cleary isn't a kid movie. rape, incest, abortion, infidelity, drug abuse -- all hard hitting topics to hopefully be tackled one at a time when those times do come. the world is beautiful in one moment and harsh in another. thankfully, however, as mommy i sometimes still get to choose my moments and ease them in to the harshness, and bedtime isn't my favorite part of the day to introduce trickier conversations -- "goodnight, hugglebears. one...two...three. blow out the light. pfoopf. i love you. oh, and is heaven real? discuss. "
anyway...orphans.
a few months back during one of jeremiah's tirades of indignation, injustice and incredulity, aka "the triple i threat", and likely for no more reason than perhaps he'd gotten 5 chocolate chips in his pumpkin pancake instead of 6 like mason, he decided he'd be far better off in an orphanage. this is comical, hilarious, entertaining, and just
detention, military school and yes, the orphanage. i figure you gotta use leverage where you can get it. in fact, they were so young when we first began these conversations it warmed my heart and made
me smile when they could say only "jew-bee" for juvy, not having full command of english, and speech impediments being what they were at 3 and 5. yes, it's critically important to introduce salient concepts like youth detention centers and orphanages during formative years. gotta start the learnin' young, i say.
if jeremiah doesn't grow up to be a gun designer, weapons tester or arms dealer, he will be a civil rights attorney. actually, an attorney of any kind. prosecutor, defender. either one. doesn't matter. as long as it involves litigation. dum spiro spero? i don't think so. more like dum spiro oro. if he can argue, he can breathe. always eager, always needing to show the injustice, point out the inequity. i am certain he will be quite successful and likely very fulfilled, particularly when the courtroom is filled w media. i may be exaggerating a bit. he really is a sweet boy just w a lot to say and a great need to be heard. maybe even understood. he's still working on that part.
it is here where i recognize his use of hyperbole and metaphor. "i want to go to an orphanage". this is of course more symbolic than literal i am certain. it is also somewhat of an indirect and therefore less offensive slap to me. "why, dear mother, even an orphanage would treat me better. there they recognize- exalt even - the goodness of me, see the merit in my ways of thinking, respect and admire my intelligence and ability to construct difficult lego creations, g i joe v cobra dioramae, and not only that, they surely wouldn't chide me for leaving my bowl of dried on cereal on the -- pick one -- floor, counter, bathroom sink, dryer, lizard cage, toilet tank, cat food bucket. so, i fear i must leave. let us hasten."
he is nothing if not pragmatic, though. and, for better or worse, in a world where google and wiki often have the first and last word as reference and research materials, it was there i took him before loading up the car and pointing it to the buckner home for children. he had half way arbitrarily, half way scientifically determined if he could google search images of orphans, the resulting photos would give him all the information he'd need to make an informed decision. ahh, critical thinking skills or laziness here at work? i think a little of both. no matter. we get to it and click on images. incidentally, don't use "orphan". you must pluralize otherwise the search result brings up a horror movie. i am not sure he recognized the irony there, though.
jeremiah was trying to be more than fair. he told me that if 51% of the children looked happy, only then would he conclude orphans have it better than he does even though we did not bother to operationally define "happy" or even discuss the very the scope of what the word means for different people.
there was a time when he was maybe, gosh, i can't even remember, but it was the second grade. he packed his most prized earthly belongings in a container, something analogous to the classic hobo bandana stuffed w all worldly possessions and lashed to a pathetic, sagging green twig. of course the pitifulness of such an image was priceless. he knew i was watching him pack. likely he was incensed i was not objecting. when he started for the front door, i reminded him that our sketchy neighborhood is bordered by four very busy streets, none of which he has permission to cross on his own. no matter. he headed out and walked a few houses to the corner crossed to the opposite of our street went down that way and circled back, all on the same block.
perhaps he thought mission accomplished. they'll see i'm serious now. or, more likely, perhaps he realized neither the orphanage nor juvy gives you a choice of jelly for your toast, serves skim milk instead of 2%, lets you get away w o bathing consecutive days, or has an appointed back tickler at bed time. or worse yet, maybe they do have back ticklers at bed time. yikes.
even though i have waited until now to post up, november is not at all an inconsequential month. my first born made his debut here 13 years ago. in fact, nov 16 he became a teenager, scary as that sounds to most. to consider he has had more time here w us already than the remaining years until college, well, that makes me sad. some days, however, 18 cannot come soon enough, like days an incident may occur invariably leading to our familiar reference to the buckner children's home or a hint at juvy. perhaps this subtle reminder has been a big factor in them both being top of their class at the tag magnet, or maybe it's just the expensive organic milk i break down and buy twice a year. whatever the combination of elements and factors making them awesome, i'm satisfied, and if it's all luck, well even better. a friend and i the other day humored ourselves by confessing that this kid raising thing is a real crap shoot. kind of removes the weight of responsibility.
man, jeremiah is 13. age and developmental milestones can make me pretty sentimental. ok, slobbery, mascara mess, snot running down my face sentimental. truth be told, on the right day, when planets are aligned just so, maybe mercury is in retrograde, maybe unusual sun flare activity is going on up in space, well it is on those days even malt-o-meal, laundry lint, calico kitties or seeing someone happy riding their bike can make me sentimental. congenital birth defects are usually for the duration. usually it's a burden, but often i am glad it's that way. i like to pretend it makes me more appreciative, more aware, more apt to absorb the good stuff, but perhaps that's me raising rationalization and justification to an art form. who knows.
what seems long ago, when it was determined jeremiah had learned what there was to learn after 2 years of preschool, his teacher told him how wonderful it would be next year in kindergarten, how many fascinating and important things he'd learn over the next few years in elementary. in his mind i am certain he wanted to tell her to top dat kway-zee tok. he had zero intention of going anywhere. he was established. he'd worked hard to make a name for himself there. it's not every kid who can break his elbow in the same place twice two consecutive years. no, he was staying put. he matter of factly asked ms brooks if it would be ok if he went ahead and stayed on w her for the foreseeable future, fully acknowledging he would grow physically and that the chairs and desks at some point would not accommodate the body of an 11th grader. oh, he had those bases covered because he is the man w a plan. his sensible, pragmatic solution would be to periodically requisition incrementally larger desks and chairs. voila. problem solved. and there he would be top dog. always.
jeremiah is most comfortable w status quo, equilibrium, homeostasis and well-defined scenarios. of i move a piece of furniture, rearrange a stack of books, shuffle around things in the fridge, he's all over it. sometimes this new awareness comes to me in the form of complaints, sometimes just a statement about having made the observation. he's a funny one. he's a noticer. if i were fbi, dea, oss or interpol, i would want him on my team.
for years we've been hold-outs on all sorts of electronica much to the boys' displeasure. there is a wii, dvd player, tv (the fat, old school sort w converter box and antenna), and fairly recently a hand-me-down first generation iTouch. there are no cell phones because i know where they are at all times and there is just no need yet. that said, we got jeremiah a google tablet as a bday gift. needless to say he was speechless. the day after his bday i saw him hypnotized, nexus in hand and eyes like those rotating red spirals in cartoons, and i thought oh no! you are that teenager. now you are doomed to have bad posture, questionable hygiene and low motivation.
he is a good boy. they are both good boys, fine, interesting, intelligent people i believe i'd want to know as adults. they are kind and often selfless, generous and loving. they made sack lunches and handed them out on christmas day to homeless people downtown. they like it when we do angel tree gifts. when not asked, they pick up trash off the street and happily declare saving the planet one piece of trash at a time. and they brush my hair w o too much complaint when i ask. and sometimes even when i don't.
when i was their ages, sure, i remember some real stand out significant things, some fairly life changing, and, yes, some inconsequential details are in there, too, for good contrast and color. take a picture and you get to lock down that instant. write about a time or event in your life and you can relive moments to a degree. for the pretty word it is, evanescence can feel cruel sometimes. am i happy they are growing up? of course. yet for me, w them now 13 and almost 11, time feels more real than ever. and strangely, long days somehow bring about short years. memory storage is not infinite. recall is often imperfect. we'll forget more than we will remember, both them and us. and so i write things down.
posted by becky at 10:52 PM
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